I accidentally had phone sex last night
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
