Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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