When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
