thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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