You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
