I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
