I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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