is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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