why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
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Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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