i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
