Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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