She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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