If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
