my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
