That's intense
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
