my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
