Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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