my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
