Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
