You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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