I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
