It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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