why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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