I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
