just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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