I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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