Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
