My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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