How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
