I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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