Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
