Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
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So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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