I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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