you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
