I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
