ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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