I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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