I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
