why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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