can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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