I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
