6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
