I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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