You made me cry and you don't even care
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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