All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I will pee on everything he values.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
