dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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