Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
