So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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