what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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