Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
