and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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