I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
