That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
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Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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