I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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