I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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