Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
