some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We are all done wearing pants today
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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